Celebrities on Time Trumpet
Experts on Time Trumpet>>
- 'People are always asking, who is the real Tom Cruise? Newsflash buddy – it's me.'
- 'It's a sad day when you meet a child, who you think is a burns victim, and they say 'I've made myself look like you Annie.'
- 'I could taste weird things – Bacardi breezers, lager, white wine, my leg, my kidney, my liver, a curry. And lots and lots of fat.'
- 'I thought it would be like doing Buzzcocks where they give you all the answers. So I was expecting to be told where to stand, to be given lube, and a few lines to say. But there was none of that. I didn't even meet the rapists till we went on air... '
- 'It's very hard to tell when she's pleased about anything really, our Vicky. She was annoyed about something else at the time – she thought Sienna Miller had the same shoes as her.'
- 'Is it mad, to care about the security of your country? Is it mad to put more money into public services than any previous government? Is it mad to grab a guy by the balls and squeeze and squeeze and squeeze until he cries out in pain? If that's mad then, guilty as charged, I'm mad too.'
- 'That's right, crucify me. I put Africa back on the fucking map. The fucking right way up and all.'
- 'Terror was the enemy. And so terrified people had to be dealt with. Which is why we banned people from being terrified.'
- 'We introduced free internet, but we just get tramps in here fiddling with themselves. I wouldn't mind if they drank my coffee, but they drink Dentyl mouthwash.'
- 'We had that big party in Trafalgar Square to celebrate the fact that we'd won the war on terror, and unfortunately there was a bomb and a lot of people were killed.'
- 'His eyes were pleading for me to help him. So I swung off his legs during the weather report. Luckily as Everton Fox said "So what are you up to this weekend Natasha?" I heard Dermot's neck break...'
- 'I'd heard that human flesh tasted similar to chicken – so I cut off my toe and fried it. Jules loved it... so we teamed up with some scientists and it all kicked off...'
- 'Young people are the future. Old people are the past. Middle-aged people are the present. Children are like smaller versions of adults. And babies are smaller versions of children.'
- 'I lost everything... They airbrushed me out of the Olympics Charity Video – it was ridiculous, Tessa Jowell originally had her arm round me but in the end it looked like she just had really bad arthritis...'
- 'I did an awful lot of things to court popularity. I learnt to breakdance, I rapped the five pledges from our manifesto, I went to the premier of Ice Age 3 in a mammoth costume. I sang with McFly...'
- 'I signed a lot more autographs and snogged a lot more lasses back then. Whereas now, they go, 'Hiya, can you introduce us to Dec.' And I can't because he's in Hollywood, or doing something for the UN.' - Anthony McPartlin
- 'Jack Straw. Is that gay slang?'
- 'I went to a very dark place after that. Crinkley Bottom. You know, the funpark. I went to the one in Morecambe I set up back in the early 90s. It was disused by then, the Blobbycoaster was clogged up with fox shit and the NTV-simulator was crammed with dead pigeons...'